So I knew the opening cutscene would be long, and lavish, with lots of action and characters staring up at the sky with their blonde hair waving in their faces.

But man! This one was REALLY LONG. It was kind of exciting for awhile. Some airships flew over and everyone stared up at them. And then there was a war sequence which was very exciting and made me REALLY LUST FOR COMBAT. And then some Chocobos were running around, but these Chocobos looked kind of menacing, so I was OK with them.(I'm Chocobo-Averse. It says so in my eHarmony profile.)

The game opens with a slow-paced tutorial, which I appreciated, since I'm not a FF expert, or an RPG expert. It was so slow that I'm sure anyone who is either of those two things would be horribly annoyed by it. It's RPG 101 stuff. Again, I didn't mind.

The combat system is kind of cool. I open the menu, select ATTACK, then move Reks, whose wedding was interrupted by the Archadian Empire's invasion (I'm already talking in FF Speak!), next to one of the bad guys and he just goes to town on him.

Then Reks is killed.

:(

Then I'm playing as Vaan, who Teti told me later on, is Reks' little brother.

I admittedly did fall asleep once in my chair, controller in hand, during one of the extended words-on-screen digressions about the history of Rabanastre and Nabradia and well, I don't remember what else, because I was enjoying a nice dream about Cheryl Tiegs no doubt.

I confess, I'm getting glimpses of the appeal here. I've hung around a tavern where I received my first quest to find and kill a demonic creature that the locals refer to as THE ROGUE TOMATO. And I visited a weapons shop. I think it's the job of any reviewer worth his salt to occasionally step out of his comfort zone, to play games in genres that he is less familiar with, to try to understand the appeal. So far, I think I see it. Way off in the distance. Just over that next hill (or maybe it's the hill after that).

For now, I'm off to kill the Rogue Tomato. Only about 59 hours of gameplay to go... I'd better pack a lunch.

SONY FANBOYS REJOICE!!!!! Your beloved company finally did something of some significance this week! Unless you've been too busy being mad at Brett Favre, then you probably already know that the big, heaving, wheezing PS3 is getting a makeover.

The new PS3--called the PS3 Slim--is around 30-percent lighter and 30-percent smaller than the current hot, gasping, honking, farting model which was only slightly more diminutive than Bill Maher's ego.

But is it a case of too little (pun intended) too late? How much do gamers really care about the aesthetics of their machines? The 360--the platform of choice for most core gamers--is an absolutely hideous box that still has an unacceptably high failure rate. Yet should their 360s go down, most gamers would practically be on a trot to their local game stores for replacements. (I know I would be.)

I remember coveting a PS2 Slim. I marveled at its wee-ness. It weighed less (yet yielded far more pleasure) than my copy of Watchmen. I wanted to take it to bed with me at night, and kiss it and hold it tight. I still can't believe how small that damn thing is. Stuffing all the workings of the old PS2 into this tiny package truly felt like a remarkable technological innovation.

While the PS3 Slim looks more edgey and sci-fi-y, it's not a makeover that's even remotely on par with the transition from the PS2 to PS2 Slim.

Not even close.

At this late stage in the console cycle, I'm not even sure what Sony could do to make the PS3 more relevant, except maybe make it cost -$16, and cover it with delicious hamburgers and ship each unit with a complimentary Cheryl Tiegs.

Earlier this week Elise Vogel, managing editor/heart/soul of CG, left work early to go shopping for pants. Yes, I said pants. She took Anne Mischler with her, because, I was told, no woman should go pants shopping alone. My guess is that she was buying something very cute and flattering to wear during E3 next week. If you see Elise roaming the show floor while breaking in a new pair of pants, be sure to compliment her on them. Say something like, "Great pants, Elise! Are those new? They look great!" No, don't say something "like" that; say exactly that.

It made me think about my own pre E3 shopping trips. I've been going to E3 for nearly 10 years now. Before E3, I always buy a new pair of sneakers. I bought a new pair of New Balance sneakers yesterday. They don't make the old kind of New Balance sneakers anymore, the clerk told me (one plain solid color, with an N/Z on the side). Now they're all flash and demand to be looked at. One pair in the store had DRAGON FACES. Christ! I prefer wearing shoes that don't say LOOK AT MY SHOES WOOOOO!!!! I bought the most muted pair they had, and I'm wearing them today, during the all-important break-in period. They are just hideous. I look like a homosexual pro bowling champion. Goddamn it, New Balance! What a fool I am.

I also typically buy a few new shirts to work into my wardrobe rotation. I have to force myself to do this. I literally run into a store, sweating profusely, and grab a few shirts off a rack, and try them on over whatever shirt I am wearing already. If the garment is even remotely close to fitting, I put it in my BUY pile. After I have a few things in my BUY pile, I run to the register and cash out, then make for the exit. Shopping is like a Vietnam mission for me; get in, get out, and minimize the casualties.

Here are several E3 fashion/hygiene rules that will make for a more peaceful E3 for all next week:

-No flip-flops or mandals.

-No camp shorts.

-Do not wear anything with camouflage. (Unless your name is G.I. Joe.)

-No ponytails. And if you do have a ponytail, keep it away from me. (I was brushed by an oily ponytail last year and I am still in recovery.)

-No muscle shirts. Less skin is usually better than more skin, people. (Unless your name is Cheryl Tiegs.)

-No T-shirts/garments/ballcaps boasting the name of the website you work for.

-Check the condition of your breath at least x3 per day.

-No squealing during press conferences. You are professionals. Act that way.

-No running.

-No spitting.

-No farting.

-No mandals. (It merits repeating.)

-No backwards/sideways baseball caps.

-Most importantly: no displays of self-importance. No exceptions.