I didn’t go to E3 this year. I know, you probably didn’t either. But after 12 years in a row of wallowing in the annual excess of that particular event, it felt pretty weird to be at home, reading blogs and just taking notes.

But as my jealously over all the free drinks, bag fulls of schwag and glimpses of starlets has subsided, I realize that I didn’t miss much.

Call it sour grapes, or call it a wakeup call. It hardly seems to have mattered sitting out this year. To get Shakespearian about it, E3 is “all sound and fury signifying nothing.”

Following along online the various musings of reporters better at uncovering facts than me, with better access to key players and, in many cases, just smarter news heads, I learned nothing that I couldn’t have gleaned from reading the ample press releases that poured over the wire: Microsoft ha sa motion controlled kickball game that may or may not demonstrate actual technology, Sony is going to launch another new really expensive game platform and Nintendo is just going to smugly count the money for the time being.

Oh, and Rock Band will feature Beatles songs. Except that we already new that.

So what did I actually miss by not being there? I have to face facts that E3 is a sort of Mecca for gamers, and by that, I mean it’s a spiritual center for the whole gaming enterprise. It makes people happy to think that there’s something bigger than them, and E3 is that for gamers. So I am beginning to think of E3 as similar to Christian radio. If you bother to listen for awhile, you’ll find out that they really don’t have anything new to say day in and day out, just more of the same churned over endlessly. On the other hand, if you are a believer, it must be nice to have the entire universe processed through such a narrow lens.

And just like you don’t need a radio to express a devout belief in a higher power, you don’t need to go to E3 to be a hard core gamer.

Then again, just looking at my unused E3 press pass sitting on my desk makes me want to cry.

My girlfriend says it's sad that Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney are here at E3 presenting The Beatles: Rock Band. They've gone from being stars to being star presenters of a game in which they're featured. Note the name: "The Beatles" come before "Rock Band," an acknowledgment that they are the bigger franchise. What I've heard about the game is that the Beatles essence isn't only in the music and the avatars; it's also in the myriad period locales that blossom in the background as you play each song. Extending the Beatles from music and image to environment would be the logical conclusion of music and karaoke games.

Idol worship now takes the form of embodiment -- aided by technology, you're able to inhabit and reanimate the bodies of

[This blog interrupted to observe the fat guy with a crew cut rolling languorously through the expo floor on a Segway.]

your heroes, fictional or real. The Beatles always had an almost sacred image and mythology; now, these are all food for play-acting, through three-part harmonies with your friends if you have the mics.

So it isn't just that the aging Beatles are "featured" in this game. They've become sublimated into the game, into data designed to elicit a Beatles-themed physical and perhaps emotional feedback from the masses. You'll play and sing the right notes at the right times, directed painstakingly by the color cues. Everyone playing this game will become a sort of echo of one of the Beatles, as they were known in public. It's such a videogame way of creating memory -- forcefully, through spectacle and technology. 

Earlier this week Elise Vogel, managing editor/heart/soul of CG, left work early to go shopping for pants. Yes, I said pants. She took Anne Mischler with her, because, I was told, no woman should go pants shopping alone. My guess is that she was buying something very cute and flattering to wear during E3 next week. If you see Elise roaming the show floor while breaking in a new pair of pants, be sure to compliment her on them. Say something like, "Great pants, Elise! Are those new? They look great!" No, don't say something "like" that; say exactly that.

It made me think about my own pre E3 shopping trips. I've been going to E3 for nearly 10 years now. Before E3, I always buy a new pair of sneakers. I bought a new pair of New Balance sneakers yesterday. They don't make the old kind of New Balance sneakers anymore, the clerk told me (one plain solid color, with an N/Z on the side). Now they're all flash and demand to be looked at. One pair in the store had DRAGON FACES. Christ! I prefer wearing shoes that don't say LOOK AT MY SHOES WOOOOO!!!! I bought the most muted pair they had, and I'm wearing them today, during the all-important break-in period. They are just hideous. I look like a homosexual pro bowling champion. Goddamn it, New Balance! What a fool I am.

I also typically buy a few new shirts to work into my wardrobe rotation. I have to force myself to do this. I literally run into a store, sweating profusely, and grab a few shirts off a rack, and try them on over whatever shirt I am wearing already. If the garment is even remotely close to fitting, I put it in my BUY pile. After I have a few things in my BUY pile, I run to the register and cash out, then make for the exit. Shopping is like a Vietnam mission for me; get in, get out, and minimize the casualties.

Here are several E3 fashion/hygiene rules that will make for a more peaceful E3 for all next week:

-No flip-flops or mandals.

-No camp shorts.

-Do not wear anything with camouflage. (Unless your name is G.I. Joe.)

-No ponytails. And if you do have a ponytail, keep it away from me. (I was brushed by an oily ponytail last year and I am still in recovery.)

-No muscle shirts. Less skin is usually better than more skin, people. (Unless your name is Cheryl Tiegs.)

-No T-shirts/garments/ballcaps boasting the name of the website you work for.

-Check the condition of your breath at least x3 per day.

-No squealing during press conferences. You are professionals. Act that way.

-No running.

-No spitting.

-No farting.

-No mandals. (It merits repeating.)

-No backwards/sideways baseball caps.

-Most importantly: no displays of self-importance. No exceptions.

As we get closer to E3 in June I have been thinking about the things that I love and hate about the show. Admittedly I haven't been in a long while, but the last time I was there I have to say I didn't enjoy it too much. While know the average gamer loves scantily clad women and the giant displays that all these game companies put on - complete with blaring music and over-zealous mic work - I find it jarring.
 
One moment that stands out for me was at E3 1999 in Atlanta. I was there with IDG Games covering the show and trying to stay sane amidst the chaos of the floor. Situated behind the Games.net / Gamepro booth was a horrible booth for an equally horrible game: Godzilla Online. The booth was as loud and as obnoxious as that giant reptile that once terrorized Tokyo and now terrorized Atlanta. Besides the rumbles and screams of Godzilla, there was the most irritating announcer that ever lived - doing blow-by-blow commentary for any attendee lame or stupid enough to walk into that booth. "LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!" he kept screaming as Godzilla blared in the background.
 
I have never wanted to stab someone in the face - until that guy came along. I'll never forget it, unlike gamers who quickly kicked that crappy game to the curb for something more appealing.
 
 
But that year wasn't a complete wash. Sid Meier stopped by for a chat about the latest Civ project he was working on. I asked him if he'd ever heard of Master of Magic. He said no, and I encouraged him to try it out. He must have thought I was a Microprose shill or something.  Another fellow, who apparently worked on the art (?) for SSI's Pool of Radiance was there promoting some kind of mech game from Activision - the name of which escapes me. I was easily impressed back then.

But the good was outweighed by all the bad things going on in the booths and on the floors; nerds swarming people giving shirts away, or branded playing cards, or some girls dressed up like Lara Croft having their pictures taken with some guy who was probably brave enough to eat the questionable sandwiches for sales in the convention center.. I know some people were impressed but I wasn't. The whole affair opened a little hole in my belly that could only be healed by getting back home and drinking a quart of Mylanta.
 
The best part of that E3 was meeting all the people I worked with back then - who no longer call IDG Games home - and meeting all the internet's finest like Steve Heaslip, Mark Surfas, etc.
 
But the real highlight of E3 was being able to visit Atlanta and see how beautiful that city really is. I can't say i'd be sad to see it return there. Oh and do you know who was responsible for Godzilla Online? Mythic Entertainment. How far they have come since those days of making games for GameStorm.